


T-Rex, BBC, and Steve is Officially Done With this Shit

by neversaydie



Series: 500 Follower Fic Fest [7]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Dinosaurs, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Steve and Bucky literally get a T-Rex, Steve is so done, Thor Is a Good Bro, post-CATWS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-02 21:51:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5264996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neversaydie/pseuds/neversaydie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Is that a fuckin'…?"</p><p>Steve trails off into silence, because what the fuck do you say when you come home to find your super-assassin boyfriend sitting on the floor with a giant lizard in his lap?</p><p>No, not a lizard. A full-on dinosaur.</p><p>Steve is going crazy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	T-Rex, BBC, and Steve is Officially Done With this Shit

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for a prompt on tumblr. You can come and prompt me stuff too at saferforeveryone.tumblr.com
> 
> BBC means Big Black Cock. It's a porn term. I'm sorry you know that now.

"Is that a fuckin'…?"

Steve trails off into silence, because what the fuck do you say when you come home to find your super-assassin boyfriend sitting on the floor with a giant lizard in his lap?

No, not a lizard. A dinosaur. Steve is going crazy.

"Language, Cap." Bucky smirks, petting the… whatever it is on its scaly little head and moving his fingers out of the way of snapping jaws with a grin. "It's a T-Rex."

"A T-Rex." Steve repeats, flatly, and mentally wonders if he's been dosed with something that actually works on him. Hopefully his enhanced metabolism will get it out of his system soon, because he must be hallucinating. "Where did you get the T-Rex, Buck?"

"Thor." _Fuck_ , Steve thinks immediately, _that changes everything_. "He needs someone to watch him for a few weeks and he knew we've been thinking about getting a pet, so."

"I meant like a cat or a dog, not a goddamn… extinct lizard." There's not enough drugs in the _world_ to make him hallucinate like this. This must be actually happening. Shit. "Where did Thor get a fuckin' dinosaur?"

"Asgard." It's delivered with the _duh_ tone that makes Steve permanently regret introducing his boyfriend to 90s TV shows. "Apparently that's where they came from in the first place, and the Asgardians decided to take them back before the whole meteor thing here. They're pretty common pets, he said, good with kids and shit."

"Right. Okay." Steve is eight hundred percent not prepared to handle this shit. "Please tell me he dropped off some of that liquor he promised me."

"In the kitchen." Bucky is full-on cooing at the T-Rex now, tickling it under the chin in a way that it seems to thoroughly enjoy. Who knew dinosaurs were ticklish? "There are like two barrels of the stuff."

"Thank god." He's probably going to need that much to get through _a few weeks_ , if Thor sticks to his usual timekeeping habits and that actually means _I'll show up again when I feel like it, I'm a King motherfucker._

Getting thrown into the future should have prepared him for this kind of shit, Steve thinks, at least as much as living with Tony and Clint full time has. But still. Dinosaur. In his apartment. Climbing all over Bucky who's treating it like some kind of scaly kitten. Somewhere between the third and fourth shot of miracle liquor, Steve gives up and figures the only thing he can do is roll with the punches.

Bucky had better not let it sleep in the bed, that's all, or Steve is relocating to the couch permanently.

"What are we gonna call him?" Steve can finally speak again as he walks into the room, at least until he sees the thing in Bucky's lap and mutters to himself. Softly, but with a lot of feeling. "Oh god, we're naming a T-Rex."

"Terry, obviously." The beast is currently chewing on Bucky's metal fingers with a weirdly catlike hissing sound, but Bucky looks charmed rather than bothered. He's always been fucking weird, in Steve's opinion, but this kind of takes the cake. Even more than the beer krug incident in 1944 that they still don't speak of.

"Obviously." Steve echoes hollowly, still not believing this is his life as he sinks down to sit on the couch behind them. He has to admit that Bucky and the ( _Jesus Christ it's a fucking_ ) dinosaur are cute together. That might be one of the stranger thoughts he's had lately. "Why?"

"Because Tyrannosaurus." There's still a disturbing lack of concern about the situation in Bucky's voice. Steve just takes another drink and tries to reassure himself that this is probably not, in fact, the weirdest thing that's ever happened in the Tower.

"Nothing to do with your crush on Terry Crews?"

"Nah. I mean, I'm all about the BBC, but I've got Sam for that." Bucky ducks the slap to the back of his head that he knows is coming before it's even delivered, because Steve has been a jealous son of a bitch since the twenties and he's possessive as hell. "Careful, I'll set my guard dino on you."

"Guard dino. Fuck me." Steve groans and puts his head in his hands while Bucky laughs. It's a bright sound, more carefree than he's heard it in a long time, and the little flicker of relief in Steve's chest tells him that he's probably going to have to get used to there being a fucking dinosaur in the apartment. "At least tell me it's housebroken."

"Uh, about that." Bucky's pulling his sheepish face when Steve looks up, and he's going to be demanding Thor pays them in liquor for this shit. "Thor said he'll probably use a litterbox but he's not sure, so we might have to walk him."

"Walk. The dinosaur." Steve is officially done with this shit, and he throws back the rest of his drink as Bucky shrugs, totally nonchalant.

"It's New York, people have seen weirder shit."

"Yeah." Steve is rolling with the punches, he's just going to keep telling himself that as the dinosaur trills happily and nips Bucky's metal fingers affectionately. Rolling with the punches. "Sure they have."


End file.
